As the Family Day (May the 10th) is approaching, and also because of the pointless fuss here in Latvia that has been created about the amendments of the "morality" law, it seems appropriate to speak about the value of a marriage. Maybe you are expecting me to even more highlight the great value of a marriage, but it is not going to happen this time. This time I will try to place the value of a marriage institution, to my mind, in its right place.
In attempts to guard the value of a marriage institution, Christians have overdone it and gone to the other extreme. What harm can an overestimation of a marriage institution do? Nevertheless as ironic as it might be, by overestimating the value of a marriage institution we achieve the opposite effect – the diminishing of the marriage institution.
How does it happen? Very often the marriage is so glorified that every devout Christian (and not only) believes that a life without a marriage is incomplete or it is a problem that needs to be solved. It is no secret that there are more girls than guys at Christian churches, furthermore many of the guys unfortunately are far from being men who are ready to take responsibility for others. It creates a situation where girls who are not ready to be living “incomplete” lives, are willing to marry guys who not only do not follow Jesus, but who are also just as immature and not willing to devote themselves as the previously described Christian guys. As a result divorces happen more often that they should and the value of a marriage in society decreases.
In the Bible the apostle Paul says the following, “I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.” (1 Cor 7:8-9) In the same chapter he continues to explain why, in his opinion, it better to live as a single person. But before I describe more in detail the pros and cons of a marriage, I would like to empathize that Paul did not believe at all that it is not possible to live a wholesome life if you are not married. I would say, on the contrary – he is trying to demonstrate that living as a single person, you can experience all that would be denied to you if you were married. He writes, “But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you (..)” (1 Cor 7:32-35) Unfortunately so many of us believe that being single is just like someone has “cast a snare upon him or her”. If I speak from a married man point of view, then Paul is speaking from a single man point of view and that, I believe, helps those who just like Paul are not married to trust what he is saying.
In the marriage field we are not only trying to be better than Paul, but even Jesus Himself. Jesus was not married and never indicated that He had ever lacked anything in His life. I am even willing to bet that a wife would have been a major obstacle in reaching His full life potential and in all that Father (together with Jesus) had planned for Him. We have enough disagreements among Christians regarding Jesus' mother. Imagine what problems could have caused God's wife! Maybe it is the main reason why Jesus was so unmindful towards His relatives, because they only happened to be in the same family with Jesus (and not be God's brothers or cousins). Whatever may it be, Jesus was focused on the Kingdom of God that is coming and marriage can be considered as one of the “added things” about which we should not be complaining about in case it is missing or of poor quality.
Speaking from a very practical point of view, what is it that is only available in marriage and not in a relationship outside of marriage? The first thing that would come to my mind is sex then such things as a true devotion, children, security, personal growth and others.
However none of the above mentioned things is something that we could not at least partially experience while being single. For example, let us say that sex is a pleasure and we could compare it to other pleasures. But someone could disagree and say that sex is a part of a relationship … then the closeness of a relationship cannot be described as only black or white. Children can be adopted, friendships created, security can be (and should be) found elsewhere, and personal growth most definitely can be experienced outside of marriage. Therefore I must conclude that I did not find any of those things to be too extraordinary (too exclusive) and I believe they can be at least partially enjoyed outside of marriage.
One thing is very clear – we are not created to lead solitary lives. A true friendship is worth more than gold, but marriage is not the only alternative to single life. A profound friendship is also possible outside of marriage. I really do not understand people who live alone. Which sane person would not feel lonely living alone and spending his or her evenings reading books, watching TV or sitting at the computer? All my single years I have spent living together with someone – my parents and brothers in childhood, fellow students and my grandmother after graduating from the university. There are things that we can influence, and there are things that cannot be influenced. “Will anyone propose to me?” is not something I could force into happening, but whether I will experience security, true devotion, enjoying life and fulfillment of the meaning of life, is, first of all, entirely up to me and getting all that does not necessarily require being married.
Kaspars Prūsis, the LKSB General Secretary
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